Sometimes I just want to be depressed. I'm not talking about the mental illness that is often associated with suicide or causes the horrible, cloying inability to function. I just want to retire into my memories and escape from the need to deal with people, especially people I don't know.
I don't want to go to meals and find someone to sit with. I don't want to have to make conversation. I don't want to eat food that isn't appealing. I just want to stay home for a while and read, or watch rerun TV, or be bored. Maybe being in "the home" is enough depression for right now.
This depression is not the real thing. It still has the potential for production. Real depression is paralyzing, but this is just retreat. I just want to be alone and enter into mediation. I want to write poetry and read other people's. I want to experience fall, and here in the Valley, I have to find some way to find fall besides walking in the woods, besides drinking in the beauty of autumn leaves, besides inhaling the smell of burning brush.
This is my first fall in the Valley. Maybe depression and memory will see me through.
I don't want to go to meals and find someone to sit with. I don't want to have to make conversation. I don't want to eat food that isn't appealing. I just want to stay home for a while and read, or watch rerun TV, or be bored. Maybe being in "the home" is enough depression for right now.
This depression is not the real thing. It still has the potential for production. Real depression is paralyzing, but this is just retreat. I just want to be alone and enter into mediation. I want to write poetry and read other people's. I want to experience fall, and here in the Valley, I have to find some way to find fall besides walking in the woods, besides drinking in the beauty of autumn leaves, besides inhaling the smell of burning brush.
This is my first fall in the Valley. Maybe depression and memory will see me through.
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